And not just on Days of Our Lives. Actually, I don't even know if Hope is still on. Haven't watched in years. I was afraid that if I kept rolling my eyes back into my head so violently, I might injure myself.
Back to the other kind of hope, the kind I cursed and despised last night.
Yeah, it won't leave me alone.
I want to strangle it.
I keep thinking . . . ok, 35. That's too low. I get that. The hormone increases rapidly after implantation, I expected it to be over 50 and hoped for it to be near 100. That would have put my mind at ease, you know? But if it were 35, then why, a full 48 hours later, did I still test and get a clearly dark positive, again? HCG has a half life of 24-48 hours. If there is nothing there, then shouldn't the test have started to fade already?
It's three days post-draw. Levels should already be down to 17 or lower. Probably lower, because that is a very tiny amount of HCG.
Only, when I faced the inevitable and took another test, it wasn't faded. In fact, the test line began visibly forming before the dye hit the control line. Or - instantaneously. And the final result is very dark. As dark as the control line, or the next thing to it.
That, to me, means that the HCG is not decreasing. It is possible that it is not really increasing, or doubling at an appropriate rate either. I'm not getting my hopes up for a sticky, growing baby at this point. But it seems evident to me that I am still pregnant today.
So this is weird. My big worry is about an ectopic pregnancy. It needs to be diagnosed and treated as quickly as possible, if that is what this is. If it's early enough, we can possibly have a shot that will stop growth and end the pregnancy and it will go away. At the least, we can have laproscopic surgery to remove the pregnancy without damaging the tube/ovary/whatever. So, that is out there.
Also - still spotting. Spotting had stopped - but now it's back. Not heavy, only when I wipe, but tan/brown/bit of pinky brown. But it's there. So maybe there was a sticky baby through the period that isn't making it now. Who the hell knows at this point?
But. . . there is still hope. Annoying, frustrating, angering as it is to me these days - it refuses to die. It continues to beat away in my chest, urging me on. It's the evil thing that led me to test in the first place, it's the thing that kept me testing, it's the thing that led me to the betas and led me to retest after reasonable expectation was gone. It makes it hurt more with each passing marker, but it's still there. I guess it's not reasonable to live without hope entirely, but I'm pretty leery of hoping for a miracle after all.
But I do still have a kernel of it in there somewhere, whispering not to hate God, not to give up now, not to let go now, that all will be well if I have faith.
I fear it is the devil, not the guardian angel whispering, but . . . I have some hope.